What in the world is "4 buckets" about?

We had completed our first homestudy. I knew that I could get a phone call at any time and I was "there" for that moment - at any time. I had 2 bio kids at the time and, knowing that the child(ren) that would be coming into our home would automatically feel out of place or uncomfortable, I wanted to do everything I could to alleviate that. I knew it would still be there but I wanted to know that, at least on my end, I had tried. I didn't want it to appear as if we were unprepared. I wanted him/her/them to know that they were constantly on my mind and that I wanted them there.

I was in Target. In the dollar spot. (Danger Will Robinson...danger!) We know all the fun things they have there - especially for kids. On the top shelf sat these super cute red and white cups/buckets for popcorn. I couldn't just buy 2. What if we got a phone call and had a movie night and then I would only have 2 of them? I couldn't have that happen. So I bought 4. Everyone had one. Even the kids that I didn't know yet. 

That story seems so "Oh. ok." but when you look at it for what it meant for me in the bigger picture...well, hopefully you get it. I didn't live in that place only in the dollar spot at Target that day. I lived there every day. For 2 years. Let that emotional roller coaster sink in a little for you. 

What if you were nine months pregnant every day for two years? 

What if you lived every day knowing it could be "that day" for two years? 

What if you fervently prayed for your children every day for two years not knowing where they were, who was caring for them, what they were going through, what they were feeling and knowing that you couldn't do a thing about it? 

Were they happy? 

Were they terrified? 

Were they in a foster home or did they have an awesome birth family that they were about to lose in a traumatic way? 

Good grief the amount of questions that my overactive imagination can go through. I think I went through them all. Every day. For two years. 

The other things that happened during those two years that compounded the struggle within me was almost too much for me to bear. The Lord did mighty things in those 2 years. Things I refused to accept or even acknowledge at first - but they were mighty none the less. I grew mad, then angry, then bitter and resentful. Jealously took hold in my heart. It was hard. Really hard. The introvert in me pulled way back into my comfortable isolation. The true beauty in it all was that I knew I was being out of line but I also knew I was sitting under the protective wing of the Lord. He let me throw my tantrum and then pity party. Several months of this went by. And after those several months, He graciously pushed me out of my pity party and said "Ok, no more. Time to move on." 

So I did and here we are. 

The Lord is still doing mighty things and I admit that I still have to fight some of those awful feelings some days. But I'm in a different place with them. I almost look on them with a fondness because I know what the Lord has done on both sides of those feelings. And because I still have the 4 popcorn buckets with enough love to fill them all.