From the guy side: What WOULD you do for your children? It's not that easy.

I often hear bravado about what this person or that person would do if their family or children were in trouble. Women on Facebook post e-cards saying they'd become she-wolves if someone messed with their kids or dads saying they'd take justice into their own hands. Let's say the threat/choice were not as dangerous. What if the threat was actually something you wanted to happen. What would you be willing to do?

A couple of nights ago we were supposed to Skype with our future son. Somewhere down the line the message was lost and we ended up chatting with a social worker instead. We found out the process would take a couple of months longer than we'd been previously told and potentially cost an extra thousand dollars or so.

So we asked a question: Is there anything that can be done to speed this up? (in the most innocent sense, mind you)

We all know people doing foreign adoptions who needed "gifts" to get things done. Donations of computers, copiers, "stationery" with portraits of dead Presidents and statesmen on them attached to the back of paperwork...

We waited for a tense moment to get the response, "No. This is just how it works over here." Whew! What a relief! But what if they had answered differently? Would we be willing, in the words of Machiavelli, to let our conscience sleep for the sake of shaving a few months off of this process?

The adoption process has been ridiculously long and frustrating for us.

After GPS classes, we spent 3 years paying, training, paying, jumping through hoops, paying, and waiting on DHR and never got a single phone call. Just an email one year on "National Adoption Day".

We tried private adoptions. We paid, trained, paid, did paperwork for which we paid, and finally got a call. A newborn. Then, the door was closed. So we mourned, paid more, trained more, waited more...

We decided to go international. BINGO! We applied for a wonderful boy and paperwork began in earnest. Now we just received word that the adoption we've been pursuing for over a year will take at least an extra month or two past original projections and we'll probably have to pay another thousand to renew paperwork. They had a year to read a file and act on it. Nope, too much too ask. We'll watch our documents expire and we'll have to pay to change the dates on them. Yet again.

Here's the discussion portion: What if you had the chance to end the journey with a quick and simple method? What if all this could be over in a month if you offered a "gift" to a key official or judge? Would you lay your integrity aside to end your family's sacrifices? I know several who have done this. Not judging them. They acted in the interest of their family. But what about the other families that come next?

I think of Job and his wife. "Stop hanging on to your integrity. Curse your God and die." If Job lost his integrity, he would have lost himself and the very thing that kept him safe. How do you explain to a child that you laid all that you believe (or do you believe it?) aside for an easier path? Is it justified by the ends?

What if you could end this half decade journey by simply choosing another kid? A kid's a kid, right? I mean, you didn't pick yours based on race or health or any other factor, right? Abraham was willing to let his kid go for the sake of a promised family to come and he waited WAY longer than we have.

What if everything points toward God not really calling you to adopt to begin with? People more learned that I, and certainly more spiritual than I, have suggested this. After all, everyone else we've done GPS classes or other group trainings with seem to have either already gotten their child or have court dates.

Would you challenge what appears to some to be God Himself to pursue your child? Are you as bold as Jacob, willing to wrestle with an angel until he got his blessing? Is a child worth being crippled for life like Jacob and his hip? Look what Jacob got in return.

What if you you could pull it all off, after all this effort, but you'll have to ask for help. You'll have to, despite all your planning and saving and acts of chivalric manhood, ask for money. Is a child worth your pride? Your awkwardness? Your manly independence? Simply because you refuse to end your transactions with less than full integrity?

All this could be over if we just quit. Then we could focus on our 3 current children and move on with life.

But there's this boy. This awesome 9 year old boy. We've been jockeying to get him for a really long time. For years we've been scratching and clawing and working and saving and sacrificing for the  chance to meet him and bring him home to us.

So here we are with choices. Pursuing until we get Tai is a non-negotiable. It will happen. But do you a) Take the slow, painful, legal, expensive way to get a child and hang on to the full measure of your integrity, b) Sacrifice just a little integrity and shave off a little time (Proverbs recommends bribing officials. 17:8, 21:14), or c) do whatever it takes to get him as fast as possible and live with the consequences, justified by having eased all your people's pains and having saved a child from extra months in an institution?

Is the goal to make it to the end physically unscathed, egotistically unscathed, financially unharmed, or with integrity intact at all costs?

Is the goal to get your family there fast, with minimal pain, or with godly character and wisdom to last for generations from the experience?

Is hanging on to your integrity at someone else's discomfort or expense justified or greedy?  

So what would you do for your child? Will you allow your children to hurt to get stronger? You'd proudly take a bullet or a beating for them, but would you wait, submit, and plead? Would you grow and stretch and learn? Would you stay sober, abstain, step down, or concede for your child?

See? It's not that easy, is it? This household has made their choice. And so, having done that, we wait. Waiting for those "wings like eagles". A very slow eagle.

The "no update" update

Last Tuesday came and went to the rest of the world but not to me. It marked the one year date of sending our request to adopt Tai. It marked 6ish weeks of praying, gathering, praying more, sorting, praying more, submitting (for the third time) and praying even more.

One year. I would love to say "what a difference a year makes" but I cannot. I know we are farther down the road than we were then. We know so much more and so does he. We are past so much paperwork and initial wondering. It's still a hard spot though because we are stuck in the "system". I know every adoptive family goes through this stage. I've watched countless friends go through this and wait in frustration at the lack of efficiency in another government. (Not that ours is...) It's not easy for any of them and it isn't any easier for us.

Everyone keeps asking me where we are in the process. We are still waiting. We submitted our dossier to Taiwan June 20. We were told that "usually" the process for a court date is usually a couple of months after that. We are creeping up on month #4 and still no word on when our first (of three) dates will be.

(And a little side note on court: We don't have to be there for any of them. We've been told that there are three. #1) Puts our file in the hands of a judge and he deems whether we are worthy enough to adopt. This date also establishes Tai as an official orphan.  #2) This date usually comes 2-3 months after the first court and puts us together. "This couple wants to adopt this little boy. Anyone that objects has 10 days to do so." Also, we supposedly find out when we travel at this point.  #3) After the waiting period is over they schedule the third - and final - hearing and this gives us the final decree that he is ours. We will potentially be in-country for this but do not have to be present. This is when we are allowed to take custody of him.)

I felt like our process was going a bit long and made the mistake of asking within some Facebook groups that I'm a part of. I've pretty much learned that there is no rhyme or reason to Taiwan's process. (Not really. But that's how it came across.) It depends on the county/district that you're in. Then it depends on the judge that you're assigned to. So basically the timeline possibilities are endless!

I started to get discouraged this morning. Another family got their court date information today. ::sigh:: While I truly am so excited for them, I quickly turned inward. Bad move. The Lord and I had a long talk my morning drive.

"I do not understand this, Lord."

(Silence)

"This whole process doesn't even seem remotely logical."

(Silence)

"You know what he needs and you know how long we have fought to get him home! Why won't you let him just come be with us?"

Yes, so if I really know what he needs, don't you think I know what I'm doing?

"Well...yes....but I still don't understand."

What is for you to understand but that I know what I'm doing?

(Silence.)

It's your choice. Choose to SEE. (*He was talking about a book I read a few years ago.)

(More Silence and in a general tantrum kind of way.) Then...

"You're right. I'm going to choose to trust you. I'm going to choose to let go. I'm going to choose to believe that you are working in ways that I cannot see. I'm going to choose to see You in the timing of this." (Insert sigh of surrender)

SO HARD.

So that's where I'm at. We are waiting for a court date. I am choosing to not allow the failure of my own timeline discourage me. God has this how it needs to be and I don't understand and I don't always agree but it's not for me to decide. There is someone that I want to call mine on the other side of the pond but right now he belongs to the One that knows him best and He is the only parent that can make the right decision for Tai right now.

A man's/father's perspective

A man's/father's perspective     

     There are a lot of things about adoption that are rather enigmatic to me. Over and over, when I tell other men that we are adopting, the look on their face is similar to what I'd get if I'd have asked them to smell my shoes. Sort of a slanted head, "Did you really just say that?" kind of look. Most men then proceed to enlighten me as to what I'm getting myself in to through a series of (I suppose) well intended questions aimed at drawing me to their conclusion.

      The first and foremost questions is, "How are you going to pay for this?" It's the God-given role of a man to provide for his family. It's in his genetic make-up (at least for decent men and those who didn't marry a sugar momma) to be in control and see his family prosper.

     Adoption is super expensive. WAY too expensive to be "about the children" like everyone claims. I can either get that new 4-door F150 I want or Tanya can get her new Odyssey or we can get that boy from Taiwan. To adopt most likely means putting some material dream on hold, perhaps indefinitely. We can hang up the house with acreage for a while.

      But then God steps in. Every time a payment is due, something unseen and incredible happens. A tax refund we didn't file for, a donation, someone takes up our cause and fund raises, a yard sale that clears a grand and a half... we've yet to truly sacrifice.

     Anything.

     At all. 

     It's HARD for a man to let go of control and trust an unseen force. But I tell you, I haven't been disappointed yet. And trust like this is foolishness to those who've never experienced it. And to me, after what I've seen, to question the provisions of God is foolishness too. So I don't let their question bother me. They don't get my perspective and I don't get theirs.They think, "Poor guy doesn't know what he's in for," and I think, "Poor guy doesn't know what he's missing."

     Men often ask why I want another child. My responses range from "What's not to love about children?" to "Because I saw his face and all I could think of was my son Jack, same age, same hair cut, same smile that's too big for his face, and what it must be like to be fatherless."

     What many men are REALLY asking is, "Why would you want to raise someone else's child?" As in, "You know where that came from, don't you?" The tone of the question usually resembles a mom warning you not to eat gum found on the floor at Walmart or a wife watching you open a Tupperware bowl of mystery food from the back of the fridge.

     Yes, I realize that some other man created this child in an act of passion or intoxication or whatever. And I don't care. That boy is not at fault. That boy is fearfully and wonderfully made and was ordained from conception to be a part of the Ryan Smith family (see above on how God makes things happen).

     I'm good with that.

     In fact, I'm more than good with that. I'm actually pursuing that!

     2 men came right out and worded it as, "Why would you want to risk your resources for your family on someone else's child?" Because knowing what I know and seeing what I've seen and knowing my children as I do, there is no risk. This question to me is like asking Nick Saban, "Why would you risk your win record and championship title hopes to play Georgia State?" See? That's what I said.

     Question 3: How are you going to find time to care for ANOTHER child? At this, I just stare at them. Dude, I teach 176 kids a day. I'm a professional. Finding time for needs is what I do.

     I'll take him (and the other 3) with me when I go somewhere. 

     I'll sit by him (and the other 3) when I watch tv or eat, all 4 kids will play in the den or the yard and I'll be there. 

     What's one more child on my back when I try to lay on the floor? What's one more child in a booth that seats 6 or a van that seats 8 or a church that seats 350 or a stadium that seats 50,000?

     How will I find time? I'll be a dad. That's how I'll find time. I'll be the best freaking dad this kid ever imagined. I'll put the needs of my family first and I'll be available. If need be, I'll even get back on caffiene (I gave that up last summer. Had to do a shameless plug here...)

     Every now and then, and usually from my truest friends, someone will just come out and flat out challenge the whole shebang with a simple, "Why?" Because I'm called to. I can't explain it if you've never experience a true, God-given call yourself.

First, I want to. Just like I want to learn to captain a boat. So I bought a boat. An old dilapidated boat. And rebuilt it from the bottom up. I baked my neck in the sun, scratched fiberglass in my skin for weeks, and lost probably a quart of blood. But I earned my license and drove that boat. I just want to. And so I will not be happy until I do.

2: I think it's awesome. Some people collect tattoos to remind them of the good times, I want a house full of tricycle motors around me when I'm old to say that I truly lived.

3: Life experiences lead me to this. This is where the paths of all the stuff I've experienced leads. It's just a natural progression for me.

4. It's my scriptural duty. It's in my manly nature. Men provide. Men protect. Men stand up for the weak, the helpless, the homeless. Men shelter. Men don't pity people, we intervene. Real men don't just say, "Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but we act and act in a strong unmistakeable problem solving way. Everything in my fatherly nature says to bring this young boy into my house and raise him as my own. Everything in my manly nature says to protect this child at all costs.

     I get it that a lot of men don't feel called (or maybe truly aren't) to follow this same path. I'm not called to missions in Africa (against my own protestations. I'd go in a heart beat.) I get it that this seems so unnatural to many men. My hopes for other men is that when their call arrives, that they're listening and don't run like a scared little boy. That men embrace their calling full force and whole heartedly. That they trust the God who called them to carry that good work through to completion, just like He said He would do. 

     Embrace your calling. In my case, my calling will embrace me back every day and will call me daddy. And he will make me proud.

T-shirt Time!!

We are excited to announce that we are selling some really awesome t-shirts to raise money for our adoption travel expenses! Please help us get the word out on these! Aren't they so cool?!? They are $20 a piece. They are in the Comfort Colors style-shirt so they are super soft, comfortable, 100% ring-spun cotton. (I have a couple of these and they are some of my most comfortable shirts.) 

We will take orders on these through Oct 10 and then will place one big order all at once. Since we are pre-selling, we will collect money up front. We can take cash, check (made payable to us) or PayPal (use the button in the sidebar). *If you use PayPal be sure to indicate your size in the notes section.

Please pass help us get the word out and pass this on to your family and friends in case anyone is interested in getting one! 

Thank you!!!

What in the world is "4 buckets" about?

We had completed our first homestudy. I knew that I could get a phone call at any time and I was "there" for that moment - at any time. I had 2 bio kids at the time and, knowing that the child(ren) that would be coming into our home would automatically feel out of place or uncomfortable, I wanted to do everything I could to alleviate that. I knew it would still be there but I wanted to know that, at least on my end, I had tried. I didn't want it to appear as if we were unprepared. I wanted him/her/them to know that they were constantly on my mind and that I wanted them there.

I was in Target. In the dollar spot. (Danger Will Robinson...danger!) We know all the fun things they have there - especially for kids. On the top shelf sat these super cute red and white cups/buckets for popcorn. I couldn't just buy 2. What if we got a phone call and had a movie night and then I would only have 2 of them? I couldn't have that happen. So I bought 4. Everyone had one. Even the kids that I didn't know yet. 

That story seems so "Oh. ok." but when you look at it for what it meant for me in the bigger picture...well, hopefully you get it. I didn't live in that place only in the dollar spot at Target that day. I lived there every day. For 2 years. Let that emotional roller coaster sink in a little for you. 

What if you were nine months pregnant every day for two years? 

What if you lived every day knowing it could be "that day" for two years? 

What if you fervently prayed for your children every day for two years not knowing where they were, who was caring for them, what they were going through, what they were feeling and knowing that you couldn't do a thing about it? 

Were they happy? 

Were they terrified? 

Were they in a foster home or did they have an awesome birth family that they were about to lose in a traumatic way? 

Good grief the amount of questions that my overactive imagination can go through. I think I went through them all. Every day. For two years. 

The other things that happened during those two years that compounded the struggle within me was almost too much for me to bear. The Lord did mighty things in those 2 years. Things I refused to accept or even acknowledge at first - but they were mighty none the less. I grew mad, then angry, then bitter and resentful. Jealously took hold in my heart. It was hard. Really hard. The introvert in me pulled way back into my comfortable isolation. The true beauty in it all was that I knew I was being out of line but I also knew I was sitting under the protective wing of the Lord. He let me throw my tantrum and then pity party. Several months of this went by. And after those several months, He graciously pushed me out of my pity party and said "Ok, no more. Time to move on." 

So I did and here we are. 

The Lord is still doing mighty things and I admit that I still have to fight some of those awful feelings some days. But I'm in a different place with them. I almost look on them with a fondness because I know what the Lord has done on both sides of those feelings. And because I still have the 4 popcorn buckets with enough love to fill them all. 

More questions...

Why do you want to adopt?
While adoption is the perfect example of Christ's love for us and our own adoption into His family, that's honestly not what drove us to adoption. Before I ever met Ryan, I had a dear friend that went through a very difficult time in her life. As I stood next to her and watched her heart-wrenching journey, I knew it would someday become my own. My friend selflessly gave her child a family and a life that she knew she couldn't at the time. The strength dignity with which she carried herself moved me so that I just cannot forget. I know she didn't feel strong and I know she certainly didn't feel dignified. But she showed me a side of adoption that very few get to see (and I know I only saw the tip of the iceberg). I remember watching her child being driven away and right then the Lord told me I would adopt. Since then, the idea of adopting is just as natural for me as the idea of getting pregnant. It's not a child out of condolence or pity or an attempt to "rescue" anyone. It really is a perfectly natural way to have children.

Why Taiwan?
We didn't have a specific reason for Taiwan. We were really leaning to Asia for various reasons and we just thought "hmm...Taiwan...you don't hear about that often. I wonder what that's about." As we looked into it a little more we just decided to pursue it and found a precious little guy whose smile made us smile.

Why an "older" child?
We have never been opposed to adopting an infant. If that's what the Lord had planned for us then we were ok with that. But when we talked about adoption or whenever it came up, the conversation always lended itself to an "older" child. Really anywhere from 3 years old on up to the age of our oldest child. (And in the adoption world, an "older" child is anywhere from 4 or 5 on up.) When we started looking at international adoption, we thought we would find a child that was actually closer to the 5 year old mark but apparently that's not what the Lord thought. :)

Why did you change from domestic adoption to international adoption?
This feels like it could be the longest answer ever to a question but to sum it up, I'll put it this way: When we decided to start the adoption process, we were open to both domestic and international. However, we had heard so much about the thousands of children in the foster system that were ready and waiting for adoption that we thought we would just start right in our own backyard. The Lord closed door after door after door - for years. We still very much felt like this was something God wanted for our family so we decided to look at the international options and here we are. 

Questions

Some of the same questions are coming up in conversation over the last several days:

"What is the next step for you guys?"

"When are you going to get him?"

In the world of international adoption, there is a boatload of paperwork. You basically lay out your entire lives before perfect strangers and hope that they deem you worthy enough to be a parent (whether you already are one or not). Most of it is not a big deal and some of the questions can be more of a "you really want to know that?" kind of moment. Some of the questions feel downright intrusive. Especially when coming from a complete stranger. "Tell me what you and your spouse argue about." "What is your intimate life like with your spouse." Um...hello...none of your business, stranger. The best part is  - that's the very beginning. It's sort of an immediate baptism into adoption.

Now, we are surrounded by so many people that are also on the adoption journey. And if you've ever met anyone else headed down this road, you've probably heard them talk about all the paperwork and fingerprints and dossiers and waiting and - finally - a referral! Then they travel a month or two later to actually go and get their new child. In our situation, it's a little different. In Taiwan, they work off a pre-approval process. That means that once you complete your homestudy, you request to adopt a specific child and then you wait. And while you're waiting, you basically can't do anything. Our agency wouldn't even talk to us about what it's like to adopt internationally or let us go ahead and apply for our immigration paperwork. Quite frustrating to be honest. I understand why. If we had been denied the pre-approval then we would be starting over looking for another child and, in the meantime, dated documents in our homestudy would be expiring. Some of these documents are pretty expensive and they don't want you to have to update anything if you don't have to.  But to sit and wait when you know that, technically, you could be doing something isn't easy.

So...to sum the first question. This means that we still have a long way to go. Homestudy? Check. Pre-approval? Check. Applying for immigration documents and gathering other documents together for our dossier? Just starting.

Our case worker called a little over a week ago and let me know that we already have some items that are out of date so we are fixing that. Once all that is fixed, our immigration application should be complete and we can cross that off the list.

By now you can figure out the answer to the next question - when are you going to get him? Unfortunately, not anytime soon. It will likely be this time next year or just after that. That makes me sad. He'll be another year older. It's another year of him living in an orphanage. A good orphanage - but still. :/ Another birthday. Another Christmas. Another New Years. No one tucking him in bed at night. No one telling him about Jesus. No one sleeping in the same room that calls him "brother". No one that can hug him like his momma can. We will all survive and I have no doubt that even in the slowest of moments I will look back over the steps we've completed and feel like time has flown. But it will be awhile before we will travel to get him. Each step of the process takes "2-3 months". That includes translating our dossier into Mandarin and the 3 required court dates.

Regardless of anything above - I can't wait. I know his name. I know his face. I see his sweet smile everyday. I think about him and wonder what he's doing and I pray for him each night by name. I can send him letters or care packages if I want to. I think my favorite part is that he knows who I am too. He looks at my picture and tells people that I'm his mom. He has a photo album filled with pictures of us that he can look at anytime he wants. He knows he has a mom and a dad and two sisters and a brothers and two dogs and a fish waiting for him. Can't beat that. Really you can't.

They said yes!

Finally!! We got word on Friday that our pre-approval from the orphanage has come through and can continue with our adoption. I got goosebumps all over when I heard those sweet words. I was just stunned to be honest. I didn't know what to say when our case worker called. She got a big kick out of my reaction though. We talked for a couple of minutes. She told me the story and then we hung up. (Within the next 10 minutes I thought of about 20 questions that I needed to ask her and I think I probably sent 4 emails to her.) I called the hubs and told him the news, subsequently making him cry in front of his students. (Sorry babe!) :)
My heart and mind have been reeling since with all the things that need to be set into motion. So much to do...

I mailed our I-600A application yesterday. That should take 2-3 months to process. (We couldn't do this prior to pre-approval.)

Next we have our last homestudy visit to focus on the Taiwan part of things. This is also something that our agency doesn't complete until the pre-approval has come through.

Things we are praying about right now:
1 - For the sweet little boy waiting for us on the other side of "the pond". He knows who we are, has pictures, has seen videos and knows we are trying to come and get him. But he's still young ("older" by orphan standards though I guess) and can easily feel the sting of still being in an orphanage. I'm praying for not only the healing of his broken heart through the trauma he's dealt with but also that he will somehow understand that this process is not quick. And even though I would go get him next week if I could, my hands are tied. I know he's going to wonder why it takes so long. So do we! But praying that he will be protected by the hand of the Lord while we all wait.
2- I-600A papers get processed quickly.
2- Finances....we hear this from everyone so it's hard to put this down on "paper". We can't do this alone. Only the Lord will provide what we need. We are determined that we will not go into debt on this. Not because it's not worth it but because we don't believe that it's necessary. The flip side is that I don't see how we can do it without going into debt but the Lord has always provided just what we needed when we needed it so I'm trusting that He will continue to do that. I know that we have a hand in that as well and so we are praying for wisdom in what our part is in that.

19 week update

19 weeks. Almost 5 months. Longer than I expected.

A friend shared in our staff devotional this morning a reminder of God's sovereignty and the protection that lies within that.

His sovereignty means I can trust Him. When the ugliness of sin, strife, and struggle seems more than I can bear; when life deals me a bitter blow and my heart is crushed with pain; when everything seems out of control, I can anchor myself to His greatness. His sovereignty is my surety. I can rest in the knowledge that when all is said and done everything will be alright. His will make it so. His counsel will stand, and He will accomplish His purpose. He is sovereign. His is God.
--Knowing God By Name (don't know the author)

My situation wrenches me heart and it does not feel like it has any sort of order to it. I struggle daily with the silence and my flesh longs to be bitter about it. But I anchor myself to the One who knows Tai's every need and also knows the great longing we have to bring him home to our family.

He is sovereign.

I will trust.

1,827 days

That's how many days we've been waiting for a placement. I will be honest that most days it feels more like 1,827 years.

“But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.
The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance” 2 Peter 3: 8-9

I know that my wait is not about my repentance. However, I figured that if the Lord is not slow in His promise on the really important matters - like salvation - He won't forget the "little" stuff either.

Does my heart hurt? Yep.

Do I want to give up? Sometimes.

Do I want my child home? YES.

It's been over 12 weeks since we've submitted our request to the orphanage. They've asked lots of questions. We've sent them anything additional that they've asked for - including videos. And it's been over 6 weeks since we've heard from them. I want to continue to be hopeful but I can't say the silence isn't discouraging. I don't really understand what's going on there and how that is beneficial to everyone involved - including him.

This is part of the race that He's marked out for me. He never said it would be a short run. I just never imagined it would be a 100-mile "ultrarun". (An ultrarun is any unusually difficult running event, regardless of distance.)

Still choosing to trust and praying for some sound to break through this silence.  Please pray with me.